You're surprised to be getting a letter from me,no? After all, what is the 
point, you're as illiterate as the birds that sing in the trees!! Have I ever 
told you you sing like a bird, my love? Yes like a great carrion crow 
squaking and clamouring against the bleak black air!

But then again - more surprising - this letter is from me, and I am as 
illiterate as the peacocks that roam the King's garden! How then, you wonder 
with your strudle of a brain,am I able to pen this to you!
Why that's elementary my dear Herlikin! Pierre Gringoire, Gypsy friend and 
Poet extraordinaire has kindly consented to write down what I say as I 
dictate it to him.He will then deliver this message as a love letter from you 
devoted husband. He will even read it to you, as you can't read, you silly 
nitwit of a woman!

You poor little thing. You are so short and thin. And a woman as 
well!!! You cannot help but be ignorant and inferior. You tremble beneath my 
gaze. You cower at my feet!!! You watch me with envious eyes, even as you try 
to live up to me with your pathetic little gimmicks and tricks, no match for 
the sheer genius that is your faithful and loyal husband! But desite this 
misery you display, despite the pale imitation of my fine self you portray on 
the stage, I cannot help but love you, worship you even, you hopeless woman!

Silly, vain, conceited, egotistical - and those are just your good 
features!!!!!! You're an incorrigible flirt and as stubborn as a mule. 
Perhaps then it is not love I feel for you but pity - perhaps I simply pity 
your hopelessness, knowing no other man could ever love you and so I show you 
mercy and take you under my wing?Perhaps a man's need to protect the little
weak ones under his care!

Ah such a message of love! It rings from the rafters! The memory of this 
letter will serve me many a good laugh in the weeks to come,my treasure.

With all the love I have within me to give,

Your eternally devoted husband,

Clopin Trouillefou.

PS: You should know my little pet, that this letter serves only as a jest, 
made in play. I know you cannot read it, so it is safe to sing the many 
things I do not mean but think would be very funny to say! I am laughing even 
now! I do love you, and you are gorgeous, but it is so much more entertaining 
to say otherwise, no? You will keep this in your treasure box as a love 
letter and I shall laugh until my whiskers are gray!